What's A Fanfiction?
by NekoTaku24433
Summary: Sheska and Riza introduce everyone to the wonderful world of FANFICTION! Pokes a bit of fun at certain yaoi pairings, hints at others. crack!fic, rated T for Ed's mouth and slight suggestivensess for fanfiction descriptions. one-shot (and OF COURSE I incorperated RoyEd. pssh, how could I not?)


**Okay, so I saw something like this, but it was incomplete and I wanted to make my own take on the idea. Yeah, it's been done before for pretty much every anime, book, game, TV show, ect. that anyone's written a fanfic for, but I DON'T CARE! So...READ, _REVIEW_, and ENJOY! Or I set Armstrong in a speedo on you...**

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Jean Havoc froze for a moment, staring at the door for a minute to make sure Hawkeye had actually left the room. When he saw no movement, the second lieutenant gave a sigh of relief before he propped his legs up on the desk. Heymans had already sprawled across the couch, and Kain was quietly snoring, a puddle of drool forming around his face. Vato shifted around uncomfortably in his chair, stiff and formal as usual as he continued to fill out his paperwork. They had been assigned a difficult case, and Riza had been working them down to the bone for three days straight. They were all exhausted from pulling so many all-nighters, and with their brief recess, everyone (aside from Falman) was enjoying their break and catching up on sleep. Roy could be heard groaning from inside the office as he denied a request for a State Alchemist to assist in fixing a collapsed church in no-man's-land far in the north. Roy gave a shout of exasperation as his pen snapped and sprayed ink all over his neat paperwork, and they could all hear the snap as the last of his forms were incinerated. Jean shot a wry grin at the Colonel as he strolled out of the office, whistling. "Finished with your paperwork already, sir?" he asked, snickering.

Mustang gave his trademark smirk as he pulled off his glove. "It's a shame you can't say the same, Havoc." Breda snickered as Havoc sank down in his seat, glowering at everyone. Mustang glided over to Sheska, whom Maes had lent to them to assist with the investigation. She didn't notice him peering over her shoulder as she typed furiously, so when he put a heavy hand on her shoulder she jumped on her chair with a cry of surprise. "What are you working on Sheska? You seemed so focused…" Mustang breathed in her ear softly. Her face went bright red and she adjusted her glasses, shrinking deeper into her chair. The Colonel examined her writing over her shoulder, and she stuttered out a weak protest as his eyes scanned the document.

Roy's dark eyes slowly widened and Sheska watched with a growing fear as they flitted from line to line faster and faster. He seemed at a loss for words, and she shrank farther back into her seat. "I-I-I-I-I c-can explain, s-sir—" she started, trembling as he straightened up, having finished reading her work. Well, to be honest, she didn't know how to explain—what was there to be said after reading something like that?!

Suddenly, she felt another hand on her shoulder, and Sheska practically flew from her seat as Jean glanced at the computer monitor. "What's all this commotion about?" He asked, his cigarette lightly tapping her cheek as he spoke. Sheska felt like crawling into a hole and dying as Jean's eyes nearly burst from his head, and to her utter humiliation, he began to read her work aloud. "Pale hands flitted over taught muscles, and the blond below him gave a small mewl. 'Nngh… _Roy_!" Mustang smirked at the writhing form below him, and he leaned over his desk to whisper into the creamy shoulder of his lover. 'What is it that you need?' he murmured into soft skin, tangling his hands into pale golden locks. 'I…I need _you_, R-Roy!" The figure gave a small gasp as he gave their neck a sharp but gentle kiss, and that gasp quickly melted into a moan as he continued his ministrations, sucking and nibbling on pale skin. 'Then let me give it to you'…..what the _hell_ **is** this, Sheska! Are you some type of closet perv?!" Havoc cried out, a small dribble of blood leaking from his nose.

Said "closet perv" fell out of her chair as the startled Second Lieutenant practically screamed in her ear, and she quickly scrambled to her feet. Looking around, she saw that everyone's face had taken on the same hue as Edward's coat. "Uh…y-you see, w-w-what I was writing is actually called—"

"—fanfiction." Everyone turned to look at Lieutenant Hawkeye as she glared at everyone in the doorway of the office. Roy gulped at the sight of the stacks of paperwork she cradled in her arms like her lost children, which Riza strolled forward to deposit on her desk. "It's not unheard of, and I write a bit myself." At her second statement, Fuery's eyes practically burst from his head, and the unlit cigarette Havoc had been gnawing on like it was his last tie to sanity fell from his mouth to the floor, a trail of drool connecting it to his lips. "I don't know why you all look so shocked; most of us have lives outside of this office, you know. And wipe your mouth Havoc; you're drooling." Havoc hurriedly smeared his saliva onto his sleeve as she sat down to sort out which papers were the Colonel's and which were theirs.

"B-but Hawkeye; have you _seen_ what she was writing? I mean, look! Falman's passed out on the floor!" They all turned to see that yes indeed, Warrant Officer Falman was unconscious on the ground, a small pool of blood forming by his nose.

"That may be true, but I've read plenty worse." She replied as she plopped another huge stack of forms of Mustang's side of the desk, causing him to cringe.

Fuery tilted his head to the side in confusion, a question in his eyes. "I'm confused; where are you finding these 'fanfictions' that you keep referring to? I mean, you said its pretty common, but I've never seen them in a bookstore or anything…" The rest of the office nodded in confusion as well; _they_ hadn't exactly heard of them until now despite their being "so common."

Sheska meekly raised her hand, and all eyes shot to her. (Everyone's except Hawkeye's and Mustang's, that is; she was too busy sorting paperwork and Roy was too busy crying over it.) I go on a website called , where I both post and read stories. I actually have some regular readers, and Ōtsuka and I beta for each other on our joint account, MayuMayu….." Suddenly, Sheska noticed the looks everyone was giving her as she started to ramble, and she cringed slightly."….uh….I'll just get the link up….." she mumbled, scotching around Havoc and plopping herself in the black seat. The brunette could feel everyone's eyes boring into the back of her head (once again excluding Riza and Roy) as she typed in the web address. The silence was thick in the air, and every keystroke sounded as loud as Edward. Once the sight went up, she quickly scrolled down until she found the section entitled "Fullmetal Alchemist."

"_Heeeeeeeey,_ why is it named after the runt and not me?!" Roy whined, finally recovered from the shock of having to work, only to go flying backwards as an automail foot planted itself into the side of his head. Everyone's eyes widened at the sight of the fuming blond; apparently he really _could_ hear insults about his height from anywhere. They turned away from him though as soon as they saw the search bar.

"Whose name should we put in?" Breda asked, peering over Sheska's shoulder. "And what rating?" Everyone went silent at that, the only sound in the room being Edward's protests as Alphonse dragged the wriggling blonde away from the Colonel. Who would they subject to the first bought of torture, and how humiliating should they make it? As they were all contemplating this, the entire office gave a start as a familiar voice piped up.

"Why not do Havoc and Breda?" Hughes suggested, causing them all to jump; when had the bespectacled man gotten here? "And make it rated M; if I'm gonna skip work for this, then it had better be juicy." Jean and Heymans immediately voiced their protest, but Maes gave a surprisingly Roy-like smirk. "All in favor say 'Aye!'" he declared, and a chorus of ayes could be heard. The two chosen men groaned in defeat and slumped to the ground. Meanwhile, Sheska was happily plugging in the necessary information into the search bar. Several stories popped up, and Fuery read a description with a growing blush.

"_Bro-mance_: Jean and Heymans have always been best friends, getting into trouble together all of the time. When the two stay after hours in an empty office, what type of trouble will they decide to explore? Lemony-Goodness, Lots of YAOI! Rated M for a reason…" The lens on Kain's glasses cracked, and Falman, who had recently recovered from his shock, collapsed to the ground once more. Roy gave a very un-Roy like snort of amusement, and a smile tugged at the corners of Riza's mouth.

Alphonse, who had finally finished tying up Ed to a chair, clanked towards the group to read over their shoulders. His red eyes scrolling over the glowing screen, he gave a confused tilt of his head. "What's a lemon?" He asked, his hollow voice echoing all of their thoughts. "I mean, I know what a lemon is, but it doesn't make sense in that context….." Several heads bobbed in agreement, and Roy flushed a dark shade of red. The raven-haired man had read QUITE a few stories in his youth (Which wasn't that long ago, dammit he wasn't old!), and he was familiar with the term.

Hawkeye gave a sigh, rubbing her tired eyes. Discomfort was evident in her voice, but the armored teen had asked a legitimate question, and she would to her best to answer it. "A while back there was an anime called Cream Lemon, which was basically animated porn with no real plot. Now, any stories with sexual content are said to be 'lemons' because of this." She gave everyone in the room a hard glare, as if daring them to question how she had come by that knowledge.

Alphonse gave a small cough, and if armor could blush everyone would have sworn the helmet was a few shades pinker than before. "Oh….I suppose that explains a few things…." At the startled look Ed shot him, Al gave a jump and started shaking his head furiously. "NOT THAT I'VE EVER _SEEN_ THE TERM BEFORE!THIS IS THE FIRST TIME, YESSERIE!"

Everyone's eyes narrowed suspiciously at the suit of armor, but any questions they may have had were cut off by the small clicks they heard from the computer. Turning, they saw Breda leaning up from his position on the ground, sneakily typing away. Glancing up, he saw the looks he was receiving and shot a wicked grin at the surprised party. "REVENGE!" he screeched, hitting enter and flying from the room. Suspicious and mildly curious, everyone directed their attention to the computer monitor. The only sound in the room was Edward's struggles from the chair he was bound to before Jean read the description, a wicked smile on his face.

"Military Gals," he read, his eyes flashing with mischief as both Sheska and Riza paled. (Well, mostly Sheska; Hawkeye really did more glaring.) "There aren't many of us, and we have to stick together. Some of us stick closer together than others….Rated M for Lemons and Yuri…..hehehehe…" A bit of blood trickled from Roy's nose, and poor Falman, who seemingly had the worst recovery time in the history of ever, passed out again. Fuery nodded slightly to himself, a thoughtful expression suffusing his face. "Yes, that would definitely be interesting….." He trailed off as he stared down the barrel of the first lieutenants gun, sweat running down the back on his neck. "…..to a total sicko, maybe. A normal person would be absolutely disgusted by that, just sickened….….." The black-haired man cringed, waiting for the end. To his great relief, when he opened his eyes, he did not see his life flash before his eyes. Instead, the bespectacled man watched as Riza clicked over the computer. There were a few moments of silence until she leaned back, a tiny smirk of satisfaction tugging at the corners of her mouth.

Maes gave a chuckle as he read the first story listed. "Lapdogs: Puppy Love or True Passion? When Mustang's loyal subordinates have a bit of fun on a dare, they find that they enjoy it far more than they would have originally thought. Now, as Vato and Kain explore their emotions—and each other—will they find their emotions to be no more than a mere fling or true love? Sweet, Flangsty, lots of romance and Yaoi!" The two mentioned flushed furiously, and Vato, now recovered, began to stutter madly. The two of them had some secrets that they'd rather keep hidden…..

Maes gave the sputtering men a gentle but firm pat on the back. "It's all in good fun, all in good fun; don't sweat it, alright?" The two gave a sigh of relief as attention was diverted away from them with the Lieutenant Colonel's next statement. "Hey, Sheska, pretty much everyone's had a turn but you. What do you want to look up?" The chestnut haired girl flushed darkly, averting her hazel gaze from the curious stares she was receiving.

Sheska glanced up at the group, her face cherry-red. "W-w-well, I w-was hoping t-to look up my OTP…." AT the confused expressions, she blushed even darker. "…one true pairing…..…" she mumbled awkwardly, and Hughes gave her an encouraging smile. Summoning her nerve, she selected the genre, characters, language and rating before clicking 'enter'. Nobody could see her choices over her shoulder, and they strained to see as the screen loaded. When the computer finally finished, they all gaped (except for Ed, he was still a bit….'tied up' at the moment…) at the results….all 3,651 of them.

Swallowing dryly, Roy read off the first result in a hoarse voice. "Flaming Metal: How long until the burning passions of Ed and Roy die out? Or will the flames of their love grow stronger with the challenges they face? Yaoi and Flangst…."

Heymans, who returned moments ago, voiced the next entry. "Loyal Dogs: Fullmetal is Roy's subordinate, and this loyal dog of the military is his bitch in more ways than one…..Lots of lemon-scented smut! Yaoi galore!..."

Kain flushed furiously as he read the next entry. "Desperate Hearts: Roy is searching for someone who understands his dark past, and the best gifts come in small packages. Sweet, romantic and flangsty….."

Jean gave a small cough, reading another fanfiction. "Suppressed Emotions: Everyone can feel the sexual tension between the two most famous Alchemists in Central. What will happen when they decide to do something about it?...Hey, this last one kinda makes sense…..…" Roy turned, sputtering furiously at the blonde when Fuery pied up in agreement.

"That _would_ explain why they're always fighting…"

"Yeah, now that I think of it, there's _definitely _more between them than a simple rivalry….."

"It's true; I don't often see the Colonel lose control, except when the Boss is involved….."

"I think you're right; Nii-san may be a stubborn pig-headed brat at times, but he only gets that passionate about things that really matter to him…"

"NOT YOU TOO AL!" Everyone spun around to see the fuming teenager who stood atop the shattered fragments of the steel chair his younger brother had strapped him to with various leather belts, which also happened to lie on the ground in a shredded heap. The blonde's face was as red as his trademark coat, and steam was visibly pouring out of his ears. He turned his furious golden eyes on each person, his gaze filled with a furious accusation. "HOW THE _HELL_ COULD YOU THINK THAT _I_ COULD HAVE A THING WITH _THAT BASTARD?!_ HE'S _FOUR_ FUCKING _TEEN_ YEARS OLDER THAN ME! _ AND _HE'S A MAN! I'M HIS FUCKING _SUBORDINATE!_ I DON'T GIVE A _CHIMERA'S ASS_ HOW HOT HE MAY BE, THERE'S _NO_ WAY I'D _TOUCH _THAT BASTARD!" Everyone cringed slightly, their eyes filled with guilt, until Roy's deep baritone voice broke the silence.

"You think I'm hot?"

Everyone spun to look at the raven-haired man, whose dark eyes were filled with utter confusion. Their eyes widening with shock, they all spun around and stared at Fullmetal, who looked as if the double-meaning behind his statement was beginning to sink in. Alphonse choked slightly, his luminescent red eyes filled with astonishment. His brother stood paralyzed to the spot, golden eyes wide and mouth gaping. "I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I—" His stuttering was cut off by Sheska's joyful cry.

"_YEEEEEESSS!"_

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**I hoped you liked it! I need to get more stories out...if you like any of the ideas I put for the fanfic summaries, I would be honored if one was made! I have no plans to do them myself..._PLEASE_ REVIEW! I need the moral booster so I publish more often...thanks for reading!**


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